Inferno – Dating & Relationships Part 2 Standards & Priorities

What are your priorities in dating?  What do you hope to come from this relationship? What standards will you have for who you date?

Each of these are excellent questions many of us wish we would have asked prior to experiencing that awful dating relationship that we are currently in or were in.  We wonder how did this relationship end up like this, and how did it ever get this way? … the answer was that it was destined for failure to begin with.

It is important that you set standards for yourself for whom you will date or even be-friend.  Often times it is the people we date or be-friend that seem to have the most influence on us.  Instead of setting standards, and requiring that people meet those standards we get this “Fixer-upper” mentality.  We think that since they don’t meet are standards we can fix them or change them.  The problem is we can not change people … it has to be something they want to do.  And if you do find someone who wants to change and be in a relationship with you, wait until they have made some significant progress before pursuing the relationship any farther.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying set your standards so high that no one can meet them, but at least have some in place and stick to them.  Here are just a few examples that I would highly recommend.

1. Christian of like faith
2. Friendly to others
3. Positive attitude
4. Goal Oriented
5. Healthy relationship with family
6. Abstains from Sexual activity
7. Drug, Alcohol, and Tobacco free
8. Similar Interest
9. Availability
10. Physical Attributes (Don’t have to be a prom king/queen, but have traits that you are attracted to.  You wouldn’t date someone who has tattoos or piercings if you do not like those physical attributes.)

These are only just a few.  The important thing is that you have a sense of self.  Do you know who you are? Are you clear on what’s important to you?

After your standards are met, determine your priorities in the relationship, and make sure your priorities are in line with the person you want to pursue a relationship with.  For example, you may be looking for someone who could potentially be someone you want to marry, however for them you are just a one nighter.  You get the picture.

It makes me think about the book of Hosea chapter 11:1-3 where we see the Israelites and God having totally different priorities in their relationship.

God wanted the people of Israel to worship him alone, but to the Israelites God was just another god.  They worshiped the gods of Baal, and sought the desires of the flesh.

What about you?  Are you seeking a genuine relationship with God or are you pursuing the desires of the flesh?

Inferno – Dating & Relationships Part 1 Boundaries

It is important for all individual to have boundaries in their lives, but it is especially important to have them in your dating relationship.  Not only is it important to have boundaries, but also to have awareness.  Awareness of the warning signs, red flags, and danger symptoms that may exist within this relationship.  Today, I just want to point out a few.  They are many so feel free to add some of your own in the comment section below. 

Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. –  Romans 6:13 (NIV)

Boundaries / Red Flags:

1. Family & Friends are Priority / Separation

It is important to not allow yourself to be separated from your friends, family, and the ones you love.  Often times you will find that the person you are dating wants to separate you from these people, because they do not want you to be influenced by them.  They will try to manipulate you into thinking that you don’t need them, and that you are perfect for each other.  Don’t listen this is a “Red Flag”.  Make your boundaries clear in the beginning of the relationship, and re-establish them often. 

2. Public-Group Dating / Isolation 

It is important to keep your relationship within the public eye.  Don’t get caught off by smooth talking.  Often times you will hear comments like: “I just want to be alone with you.” “I just want some one-on-one time.” “Nothing will happen, I just want to hang out somewhere, where it is quite.” … and so on.  Take a stand even at the risk of offending that person.  Many times this person will continue to pressure you into isolating yourself with them in a secluded area.  This is a “Red Flag”.  Don’t get caught up in this.  Make public-group dating a requirement, especially for teens and new relationships.

3. Comfort Zones / Deception

Make it clear up-front in the relationship that you have a comfort zone that is not to be crossed, nor approached.  It may be awkward, but it can save you in the long run, and even enrich a relationship.  Don’t let your partner push this comfort zone.  Many times they will try to decieve you into thinking that it is ok, or a little farther won’t hurt, or I will stop at this point.  Don’t become a victim of deception.  Stop them in their tracks as soon as they even begin to tip-toe or approach your physical boundaries and comfort zone.  If they cannot respect these physical boundaries, then they will not respect you either.

4. Values & Beliefs / Manipulation

It is important for us to express our values and beliefs throught-out the relationship.  Do not allow these core values and beliefs to be tainted or manipulated by your partner.  Work together around these issues, and develop your relationship with the understanding that everyone is different, and may hold various values.  Respect one another, and allow God to develop the relationship in-spite of your differences.

That is a wrap for me.  What about you?  What are some of your boundaries?  What are some of the “red flags” you have seen in dating?

Destructiveness of Desire

In 1994 “Dear Abby” published a column about a poignant story that is sure to make you think.  “A young man from a wealthy family was about to graduate from high school.  It was a custom in their affluent community for parents to give their graduating children a new car, and the boy and his dad had spent weeks visiting one dealership after another.  The week before graduation they found the perfect car.  The boy was certain it would be in the driveway on graduation night. 

On the eve of his graduation, however, his father handed him a small package wrapped in colorful paper.  It was a Bible!  The boy was so angry he threw the Bible down and stormed out of the house.  He and his father never saw each other again.

Several years later the news of the father’s death finally brought the son home again.  Following the funeral, he sat alone one evening, going through his father’s possessions that he was to inherit when he came across the Bible his dad had given him.  Overwhelmed by grief, he brushed away the dust and cracked it open for the first time.  When he did, a cashier’s check dated the day of his high school graduation fell into his lap – in the exact amount of the car they had chosen together.  Rebuked by surprise!”

This young man allowed his selfishness to completely ruin a beautiful relationship.  What are you holding on to today that could possibly destroy the thing you love the most?  Life is to short to allow something as insignificant as our petty desires to completely manipulate and control our lives.  Recognize the destructiveness of your desires before you find yourself trying to put the pieces back together from your brokenness.

Prov. 13:10 “By selfishness comes nothing but strife, but with those who take advise is wisdom”

So listen to my advice.  Get rid of whatever it is in your life that fuels your greed, restore any broken relationships that might have resulted from your selfishness, and seek forgiveness of your destructive ways.

1 Cor. 13:5;7 “Love is not selfish or resentful; … Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

Let love be the guiding factor in your life.  Selfish desire leads to destruction where as love leads to prosperity.